Master Chief Revealed to be a Lesbian Female

The "man", the Legend, Master Chief. Every gamer knows the helmet that defined the First Person Shooter genre, and allowed the Xbox to catapult to an actual ranking in the gaming wars.

However, we exclusive details concerning mister Halo franchise: He is actually a she. 

"We wanted to really deliver a suprise to the Halo community," says Bungie head designer Christian Allen, "all the while showing that we like to push the boundaries of gaming just as we did when the first Halo came out." And push the envelope they have. Not only is Master Chief a female - she is a lesbian. "It was always hinted that Chief and Cortana had a bit of a love-life," Allen continued. "Well, that hinting wasn't for nothing. Chief loves Cortana, despite her being a cybernetic construct. I mean this is a different time - existing in cyberspace is just as good as existing in real life. You can get a sense of this in her voice. It's deep and manly. Some of it is the suit, but she really does have a pretty butch voice."

Here is an art design for female Chief. Notice her short, lesbian haircut.

This isn't the first time that a masked cybernetic suit has surprised us all. Samus Aran, an older, Nintendo-based mercenary also wearing a suit, turned out to be a woman, to many gamer's surprise. "Nintendo may have had a female hero before us," Bungie continued, "but theirs wasn't a lesbian. So we one-up them."

This isn't the first time Bungie has promoted homosexual rights in their games. In the Legendary ending of Halo: Combat Evolved, there was a scene involving a black human male hugging a male Elite. "Yes, we actually had wanted to extend that scene to an actual love-making scene, but Microsoft wouldn't let us," Bungie said after laughing. "One of the reasons we chose to leave Microsoft exclusively is because they hate gay people. That's a fact."

When asked if Master Chief being a lesbian has to do with their no longer making anymore Halo games, they laughed. "Of course not! We want to continue her story, but we may have to do it in other means. Halo: Legends is one possible outlet."

We look forward to Bungie's next game: Gay Cowboys and Aliens, based on the yet unreleased "Cowboys and Aliens" movie. 

Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty II Revealed

Breaking News: Mike Morhaime, the CEO of Blizzard Inc., esteemed gaming giant of World of Warcraft and Starcraft fame, recently announced the company's plans to continue their Starcraft II story.

"There is really just a whole another story to be told," he said cheerfully, swimming over to us in his tub of liquid gold. "I really think our fans will be receptive to it."

Morhaime revealed the Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty was, in fact, just Jim Raynor's dream.

"He has a very active imagination," Morhaime said, "and that doesn't end when he enters his REM cycle."

 When Jim awakes at the beginning of SCII:WOLII, he will be ready to "turn up the heat", as he will permanently be a unit known as the "Firebat" the entire game. "People really missed the Firebat in WOL," he continued, "so we gave them what they wanted." 

Jim Raynor in his Firebat attire. Notice he looks a bit groggy.

Even more good news was Blizzard's announcement of the Protoss campaign to be released shortly after the release of a possibly WOLIII. "Depending on the success of WOLII, we may give the fans some more Terran to play with," Morhaime continued, by this point his skin having gained a think layer of gold. "There is such a rich backstory to them, I don't see why we couldn't."

The Protoss Campaign, while still unnamed, seems promising: it takes place thirty years before the original Starcraft or Brood War, and will have a much more narrative, hero based focus.

"One level consists of clicking around the entire level until all of the fog of war is gone, to reveal the terrain. Not for any strategic purpose, but to simply enjoy its beauty. I think that the fans will find it breathtaking."

When we asked Activision on their thoughts about these recent developments with their sister company, they merely asked us if we had heard from Infinity Ward and began to foam at the mouth. Expect the release of WOLII very shortly.

Call of Duty: Black Ops

Call of Duty: Black Ops is the newest installment of the Call of Duty franchise, whose previous recent installments brought us real innovation in the first person shooter industry such as the Noob Tube and the ability to die exceedingly fast. The question is, is the game worth your precious 60 dollars earned from whoring yourself out to the corporate world?

Gameplay: The gameplay is the most innovative part of the game. Picture this: a game where you utilize a gun from a first person perspective. If that doesn't sell you by itself, imagine the fact that you can actually also toss grenades, slash with a knife, and even sprint.

Now, all of this might sound familiar. However, don't let that get you down. Black Ops has something that the previous installments can't offer: heating up the Cold War. That's right. The most boring conflict in the history of the world can easily be made into the most epic battleground ever by Treyarch. 


Black Ops also introduces a new mode called "Black Ops", where you play as all black characters and likewise gain abilities based on this. You will never forget the feeling of jumping in the air as one of these black officers, as jumping with a white one is simply not as satisfying. Likewise, playing in Black Ops mode makes it much harder to win the game as each player is given "Excuses", which replace Perks, and allow you to use different excuses for getting out of battle.

Personally, I think that the sheer innovation brought about by this game is worth $60 dollars. A military first person shooter has simply NEVER been done before. Ever. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Even more exciting is Treyarch's next installment:

Yes. Oh God Yes. Thats all we need. And some sex. Best game ever.